How to quickly design a life you love.

The Secret to a Life Filled with Joy, Meaning, and Fulfillment

"The secret to having a life filled with joy, meaning, and fulfillment is meticulously cutting out the things that don’t supply those. But we haven’t been given the tools to cultivate meaningful lives—we’ve been conditioned to not be a problem."

Most Live on Autopilot by Design

Most of us live lives that don’t require us to truly think for ourselves by design. We were guided through an education system where we excelled based on our ability to reproduce, not create. To follow authority figures who knew better, not to slowly chip away at obstacles and develop our tolerance for failure and change.

And that’s why when you look around, the majority of people’s lives seem like an uninspiring grind. Waking up outside of times that feel natural to them, forcing themselves to offices to do work that depletes their spirit for more than half of their waking life.

Despite this being the lived experience of most people, it never changes. We’ve been conditioned to believe that saying NO to participating in what society has created for us is the same as being a burden. But NO is actually the foundation of the creative process. And the creative process is how you create a life you love.

In any creative endeavor, we’re saying NO to the old way of being, and to the things that don’t fit into what we’re trying to craft. But most of us never learn this type of life design because society’s role isn’t to give our lives a sense of meaning—it’s to efficiently get people to contribute to its continued operation.

It wasn’t until I stepped outside of my society and lived in Japan—which did NOT consider me a member of its wider society, so no one cared to “correct” me with societal norms—and further cultural isolation by being the only Trinidadian in a place of 500,000-plus people, that I had enough mental clarity and space to explore the creative process. I learned that the same process applied to creating a life, and I could only create that to the extent I was able to say NO.

Focus on What You Don’t Want

The things you tolerate in your life determine the life you’ll tolerate. A life cluttered with unsatisfying people and experiences that isn’t working to curate higher-quality people and experiences will persist. If you hate waking up early to go to work but tolerate it enough to not actively work to change it, you’ll perpetually wake up early to go to work, suffering in silence while wishing things were different.

If your partner isn’t meeting your needs and you persist in the relationship, you’ll continue to have unmet needs and emotional turmoil. As long as you continue giving spiritually numbing agents access to your life, you’ll never be able to train your brain to detect and pursue opportunities that are intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally engaging.

The things we choose to say NO to are the data we use to curate the lives we want. To gather that data, we have to focus on the things we don’t want in our current lives.

Start with a Life Audit

You can start with a life audit. The basics are this: find the things that have created persistent negative emotions in the past month and write those down. Has it been your loss of enthusiasm for your work, your lack of financial progress, or a pattern of self-sabotage in relationships?

Write these down, then explore them individually for the data you’ll use. If your work has been a source of persistent negative emotion, why? Do you feel disrespected by your manager? Or are you creatively unfulfilled? Keep digging into each until you uncover the reasons behind the negativity.

These answers will show you opportunities for achievable lifestyles that exclude the things you don’t want. For example, if you don’t feel creatively fulfilled, then all jobs lacking creativity will no longer be an option. And jobs that can be creatively fulfilling now become possibilities.

Say NO to Things You Can’t Win At

At the start of the creative process, not all possibilities are achievable. If you’re genuinely trying to create a life you love—not just daydreaming—it’s important that your brain can rationalize what’s possible and likely to happen. Otherwise, you’ll start to seek comfort in the mundane again, because that feels real.

A great way to cut through the possibilities is with an exercise Stanford professors call the multiverse exercise. Imagine there are infinite universes, and you can live a dream life in each one. Maybe in one, you’re a poet. In another, you’re a wealthy pilot. And in another, a science professor. How many lives would you choose?

This exercise pinpoints what you’re interested in enough to pursue long-term, which taps into your motivation. Interest is one of the most energizing emotions. But remember to place limitations around what you’re unwilling to give up and filter out what’s unlikely to happen.

Filter Your Possibilities & Explore Real-World Scenarios

Define what you’re unwilling to compromise on—like time with family, or a non-negotiable financial baseline. Then filter opportunities based on how many others have achieved it and how much control they had over that success.

For instance, if you fantasize about being a world-touring singer but aren’t willing to give up family time, that’s a failed filter. Step down to a non-touring singer, and maybe it works. The limitations you set inspire creativity and reveal more viable possibilities.

The filtered opportunities should be tested in real-world scenarios. How many people started from scratch and sustained their lives through this path? What income-generating skills can you gain along the way?

These skills will be your safety net if things don’t go as planned. For instance, if singers learn to mix audio, they can explore other avenues like working in radio, podcasts, or even freelancing.

Say NO to Bypassing Obstacles—They Are the Path

Certainty brings obstacles, and those obstacles are the path. The more you narrow down your choices, the more specific challenges you’ll face. These aren’t blocking your path—they are the path.

As you overcome each obstacle, you’re paying the price for ignorance. If you already knew what was required to live the life you want, you’d have it by now. But many people misinterpret obstacles as signs to turn back or find an easier path.

Obstacles how you pay down ignorance.

By extracting useful information from each challenge, you gain valuable skills and character traits. These shape you into the person capable of achieving the life you want.

The key is to stop saying YES to things that drain you and start saying NO—no to unachievable paths, no to quitting when things get tough. This will not only lead to a life you love, but it will also give you the power to actively design it.